I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
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A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
[shakes fist at other fist]
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.