[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
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a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter