Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
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When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
that de-escalated quickly
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.