I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
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Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
#Caturday
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Oh hi lol
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End