having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
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Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.