POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
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If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
my dad has had enough
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’