[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
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If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees