MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?