friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
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My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.