a wizard dating app called bumbledore
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Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
mood
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.