The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
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Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?