Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
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“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
U talkin 2 me?
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
new shirt idea
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.