I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts