Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
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Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
grotesque if literal: baby food
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
All is fair in drunk and war.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer