Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
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I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Would you wear it?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word