This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
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4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Meth is short for Elizameth.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.