Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
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everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
All set.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.