Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
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I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Stop.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.