You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???