My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
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judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.