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Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
This made me chuckle.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”