Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
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Flowers bee like
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
i wish we could shoplift online
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok