Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
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Goat cheese is for herders.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.