‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
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Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
How to wake up a Beagle
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on