my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
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My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.