I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
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My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
A man of commitment.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money