Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
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{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube