(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
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Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
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