Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
You Might Also Like
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.