Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
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Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Not😆🤣
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes