GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
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[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Every Adele song is about lasagna.