Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
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ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Just a bush.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Investing in beetcoin
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me