Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
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If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.