Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
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*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.