My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
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God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
my dad has had enough
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van