There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
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How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.