4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
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Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?