I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
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[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled