Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
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Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment