You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
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whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
oh my gosh!!
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂