So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
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I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs