It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
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My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Today’s Times
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Autocorrect completely socks
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th