The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
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40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time