We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
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Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
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ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale