Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
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“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.