[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
You Might Also Like
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!