Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
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Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
*praying for world peace*
God:
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.