flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
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I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no