Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
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I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.