One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
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So sick of all these stupid rules
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
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*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin